Amends
by DarkDreamer56
Summary: NS Post ep response to Committed


Title: Amends  
Author: DarkDreamer56  
Archive: If you want it, ask please!  
Rating: T  
Pairing: N/S friendship  
Disclaimer: If I owned them, then Nick would have been in the last episode  
Spoilers: Committed (5x20)

A/N: This is a piece I came up with after seeing "Committed." As usual, I was upset that there was absolutely no reaction from Nick, Warrick, Brass, even Greg. This is my attempt to create what I would have liked to have seen. The fic is dedicated to Brianna, who asked for someone to write something over at the Snickers group.

* * *

It was taking all the self control Sara had, not to burst into tears as she walked away from the two way mirror. She had made the decision to move on from her past, but there were still things that triggered certain memories, and this case was definitely one of them. Not to mention, the incident with Adam in the nurses' station had left her teetering far too close to the edge. With Joanna McKay in custody, Sara, for the first time, felt no guilt in deciding to leave shift early. She wanted nothing more than to go home, take a long bath, and crawl into bed, hoping to wake up and find the previous night had just been a nightmare.

Before she left the lab though, she knew she'd never make it home without any coffee. So, fighting back the tears welling dangerously close to the surface, she headed for the break room. Hopefully Greg had made the coffee, and then she could be on her way home.

She was halfway through the doorway before she realized that swing shift was holding a meeting in the break room.

"Sorry, I just need some coffee…I'll be out of your way in a minute." Sara averted her eyes and headed for the coffee pot, hoping they wouldn't ask too many questions. The last thing she wanted was Nick and Warrick to hover.

"No need, we're finishing up here. And you might not want the coffee…last I saw, Hodges was making a pot," Catherine replied. Her tone was polite and controlled as she pushed herself up from the table, though Sara did detect a tiny smile. Things had remained strained between the two women, though they were now able to carry on polite conversation when forced to interact. The smile was a bigger step than either had taken in weeks, and Sara attributed it to the events of the evening.

"I'll risk it…I don't think I'll make it home without some caffeine." Sara sighed and rummaged around for a travel mug.

"Home?" Warrick asked, "You've still got a couple hours on shift…"

Sara was surprised at the matter of fact-ness in Warrick's voice, and the way that Nick was too absorbed in signing off on the stack of reports in front of him to even say hello. Though the split shifts hadn't spent much time together recently, she thought that after almost five years of working together, that they would be somewhat concerned that she had been attacked. With the way things traveled through the lab, there was no way they hadn't heard. But from the way they were acting, apparently it didn't matter.

That thought depressed her even more, and those pesky tears were getting harder to fight as she leaned over the coffee pot. She swallowed hard before responding. "No, actually I'm heading home. Case is over."

"Since when do you leave early?" Nick asked, throwing his pen down after signing his name on the last file.

"Since today," she answered tiredly. The shock of their apparent lack of concern was wearing off, and leaving Sara feeling bitter and exhausted. Was there no one she could count on anymore?

"We heard it was a rough one, Desert State…I hate going there," Warrick complained.

Sara was fuming inside, and decided it was best not to answer. Instead, she busied herself with trying to make a halfway decent cup of coffee out of the sludge left in the pot. She was searching for a lid, when she felt a firm hand clamp down on her shoulder. Her mind flashed back to Adam gripping her from behind, and before she knew it, a blood curdling scream rang out in the break room. It wasn't until she felt the lukewarm liquid dripping down her shirt that she realized she had spilled her coffee.

Tears streamed down her face, as she leaned against the counter, trying to catch her breath. She was embarrassed, angry, and unwilling to turn around to see who was behind her.

"Sara, are you okay?" Nick asked, and she heard him push his chair back from the table. So it must have been Warrick behind her. Not that it mattered. She turned to face both of them, tearstained face and all.

"You know what? Don't even bother." And with that, she flew out of the room, ignoring the onlookers gathering in the hall. She raced out to her car, thankful she still had her keys, and wouldn't have to stop to grab them.

As she fumbled with the lock of her apartment, Sara realized that she barely remembered the drive home. She'd been on autopilot, and she couldn't even remember whether or not she'd stopped for red lights. She rested her head against the door for a moment before pushing open the door and throwing her stuff down.

Ten minutes later she was submerged in warm water, eyes closed and trying not to let images from the night run through her head. But try as she might, that's all she could see. Adam looming over her, rambling a mile a minute about frequencies; the fear in Grissom's eyes as he noticed Adam had wrestled her to the ground, and then the look on his face as she had run passed him, gasping for breath as she hit her hands against the bars on the window; and the last lingering look of Adam's mother as Brass read her her rights. Sara reached up to her neck, remembering the feeling left by Adam's makeshift weapon pressing against skin.

Tears fell freely down her face as Sara realized it was futile to try and stop them. Not only was she reliving images from the attack at Desert State, but other images from her childhood were filtering in; images that she had worked so hard to keep from popping to the surface. And rounding out everything was finding out that everyone around her was either emotionally incapable of reaching out to her, or they just didn't give a damn.

It was a while later that Sara finally climbed out of the tub, eyes red rimmed and the beginnings of a throbbing headache. She tossed on a pair of sweatpants and an overly large sweatshirt, before grabbing a laundry basket and heading out towards the living room. There was no way she'd be able to sleep anytime soon, and she would start by taking some ibuprofen and sorting through the laundry.

As she made her way to the kitchen, she realized that the pounding she heard wasn't all coming from inside her head. Wondering who on earth could be visiting her, when no one knew that she was even home, Sara made her way to the peep hole, and cursed when she saw who was on the other side. She was not in the mood to deal with anyone, but she figured that he would be more difficult to get rid of.

"Come on Sara, I know you're home," Nick yelled through the door. Sara rolled her eyes and went back to the laundry basket. If she ignored him long enough, he should go home. Sara didn't understand why he was there in the first place, and judging from his treatment of her earlier, it might not take him as long to give up as she thought.

"I'm gonna sit out here until you open this door Sara!" She didn't move. Minutes passed, and Sara numbly sorted through socks and underwear while no sounds came from the hall. As much as she didn't want to talk, it upset her that first Nick and Warrick didn't even care, and then once Nick showed up, it took him about two minutes to give up. She shook her head, ashamed of the passive aggressive feelings battling it out inside of her.

"Sara, would you please open the door?"

"Ms. Sidle, open the damn door! I don't care what your boyfriend did, some of us on this floor want to sleep!"

Sara rolled her eyes at her nosey neighbor, but rose and opened the door. As promised, Nick was sitting on the floor next to her door. As pleased as she was that he had stayed, Sara was still upset, and shot Nick a glare. Nick jumped up and followed her back into the apartment.

"Sara, we didn't know…no one told us what happened. We thought you had just had a crappy shift, I swear. Are you okay?"

Sara let out a breath she didn't know she was holding as the information sunk in. "Yeah, I'm okay," she replied softly, suddenly feeling the urge to cry again. She curled up in the corner of the couch, and motioned for Nick to sit next to her.

"You can't lie to me Sar; you never could. That scream…you scared the hell out of us, and then you just ran. We found out you were attacked by some crazy patient from Hodges…" Nick couldn't hide the hurt in his voice, and he reached out to grasp Sara's hand. "What happened Sar?"

"We were processing the nurse's station, and Grissom went to go find someone to unlock a drawer…"

"Grissom left you alone?" Nick asked incredulously.

"It was only for a minute…and we'd already been there for two days. I thought it was safe…" Sara winced at her own words, waiting for Nick's verbal onslaught as he squeezed her hand again.

"Safe? Where in Desert State were you?"

The first time Sara spoke so softly that Nick didn't hear a word she said. He stared at her, waiting for her to repeat herself. Again, he didn't catch a word. Sara coughed and repeated herself a third time. This time she was sure Nick heard her, and she turned her head into the couch.

Nick groaned and let out a long breath. "You felt safe on a floor of violent sexual predators?"

"Well, it sounds much more threatening the way you say it…"

"Sara…"

"I know Nick, I know. But at the time…look, I didn't want to be there, I wanted to get out of there as soon as we could, and that meant processing the nurse's station."

"Grissom shouldn't have let you work that case; he should have sent someone else."

"Who else Nick? Should he have taken Greg? Or Sofia? There wasn't anyone else, and I was fully capable of handling it." Sara was getting angry at Nick's assumption that she couldn't' handle Desert State.

"I didn't say you couldn't handle it. All I'm saying is…I don't know what Grissom was thinking. It's a floor of violent sex offenders, and he sent a female criminalist to investigate. He sent a beautiful woman to a floor full of men who raped and murdered women. And then he had you stay on the case once you were attacked by one of the patients…"

"Grissom offered to have someone take over, but I wanted to finish the case. I needed to finish this case." Sara pleaded with her eyes for Nick to understand. She had no desire to get into her painful childhood with him at that particular moment, but he had to know that this wasn't just her being stubborn.

Nick sighed. "Okay. But you know that Warrick or I would have covered for you if you wanted, right?" Sara nodded, but Nick still gently grabbed her chin and directed her eyes to his. "I know things have been crazy lately, with the team being split up. But I will always care, okay?"

Sara was touched by the sincerity in his voice, but his earnest gaze was making her feel a little embarrassed, not to mention the stupidity she already felt at being so emotional about everything.

"I'm sorry, it was just such a bad day…I didn't want to be there, and then after the attack, I was so confused…and then I thought you guys didn't…it was stupid, I know, but you were there, and I was upset…" Sara trailed off, unsure of how to explain what she had been feeling.

Nick put an arm around her, pulling her against his side. "Sar, I'm sorry. If we had known, we'd have dropped everything to be there. Things have just been so screwed up. I mean, I like working with Catherine and Warrick…but her idea of morale, I don't know…it's like we're supposed to be a team to the exclusion of everyone else."

"It's like high school…you guys are the cool kids, we're the science geeks in the chess club…"

Nick gave her a sad smile. "Except we're the science geeks too. It seems like she expects us to just forget about you guys, and I guess I've done that. But that's not going to happen anymore. I don't ever want you to think that I'm not here for you Sara."

Sara leaned her head against his shoulder, able to relax for the first time all night. She smiled a little, happy to be reminded what a great friend she had in Nick.

"Are you sure you're okay? He didn't hurt you?"

"He just scared me Nick, I'm okay. Thanks, and thanks for coming…"

"You wouldn't have been able to keep me away." Nick rubbed her shoulder and kissed the top of her head. "Though I was starting to wonder how long you were gonna make me sit in the hallway."

"It would have been longer if it hadn't been for Mrs. Farber," Sara admitted with a giggle.

"Oh really? I'll have to thank her sometime."

Sara and Nick sat quietly for awhile, Sara curled up against his side and feeling safe for the first time in over a day. Her frazzled nerves were slowly returning to a calmer state, and soon she was closing her eyes.

"You said you were confused."

"Hmm?" Sara mumbled, already half asleep.

"Earlier, you said afterward….you were confused. What were you confused about?"

It took Sara a minute to figure out what the hell Nick was talking about. When it finally dawned on her, she subconsciously snuggled closer into Nick's side.

"I was so scared, I mean one minute I'm digging through papers, and the next, I'm locked in the nurse's station with a psychotic patient, rambling on about vibrating at different frequencies. And then, I was on the floor, and he had this…ceramic thing pressed up against my neck." Sara reached up and rubbed the spot involuntarily. Nick tightened his grasp around her, pulling her closer. "So, it's normal that I was scared. As soon as he was distracted, I elbowed him, and ran out of the room. I was terrified, and even though he cut himself, I still wanted him to pay for scaring me…"

"That's normal," Nick interjected, "and he did more than scare you Sara. He attacked you."

"But the more we found out about him, Nick…he was molested by his mother, for years…and it turned out she became a nurse on his floor just so she could continue. I know he attacked me…but she screwed him up so much, and I actually felt bad for him. And feeling all of that while I was trying to solve a murder…it confused me. I've just been a jumble of emotions today." She laughed nervously as she hastily wiped away a stray tear.

There was a tone in Nick's voice that Sara couldn't quite place, but unfortunately it sounded a lot like one she was familiar with herself. "I don't understand how people can take innocent kids and do things like that to them. Why don't they know better?"

Sara sighed. "I don't know…and I don't know why some kids get through it, and grow up despite what happened, and others…become rapists locked in mental institutions."

"Is that why you wanted to stay?"

Sara nodded. "I needed to get her Nick. And we did. Brass arrested her right before I left."

"You did good Sar."

"I just wish it felt like it."

Though she tried to fight it, Sara couldn't help but yawn, prompting Nick to check his watch. "You've had a long night, you should probably get some sleep. Do you want me to stay?"

Sara was already drifting off to sleep as she nodded against his side. She felt Nick reach over them and grab a blanket from the back of the couch, and soon she was drifting off, knowing that having Nick there would ward off any nightmares. She would be okay.

FIN.

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